So, I know I said I was done writing my blog, but girl, I'm just getting started. I swear I didn't try to pull a Shania Twain where I say I'm done music forever, create lots of hype and go on a farewell tour, just to release a new album the next year (I'm still not over that). During this quarantine, I've had a lot of time to process and expand some thoughts and come to various realizations about many unconnected things.
A few months ago, someone I go to school with said to a friend of mine that he didn't get why I came out so publicly on Instagram and that I "can be gay, but should keep it to [myself]." This gets me heated for so many reasons. First, your homophobia is showing, and it's not cute. You're going to be a health care professional in a year, so you should probably think about that before you start treating the public. Second, thank you for your unsolicited advice, but I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION TO BE WHO I WANT. Coming out has been the best thing I've done in years, and I will not keep it to myself. When so many people cannot be themselves because they are not in a safe environment, I will not be quiet about any of this. I have a voice and will not keep it to myself.
What also bothers me about this is that you wouldn’t say this to a heterosexual. Sure, you might say it to a couple displaying a lot of PDA (hello Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello make out video…), but when this is said, it is not meant that they should hide their sexuality, just their PDA. Their sexuality is not a part of the conversation, and this double standard is gross and even worse for gay men than gay women because of the hyper-sexualization of lesbianism.
If someone says something homophobic, and you are not a part of the LGBTQ2+ community, be an active ally. Don’t just stand by when someone is being discriminatory. I know it can be difficult, especially when the person who is saying this may be your friend. Still, if you stay quiet, you're showing them that their behaviour is okay. Standing up to someone who is being homophobic can be intimidating, but change won’t be made if homophobia is met with silence. If you’re not sure what you should do, talk to your LGBTQ2+ friends. Ask what they would like you to do if you are in a situation where something like this is happening and what they would feel comfortable with as a response, especially if you are together when this occurs.
Another thing I’ve been thinking about is that after someone comes out to their friends and family, it doesn't stop there. You essentially never stop coming out. Every time someone asks me if I have a boyfriend or implies I like boys, I have to contemplate telling them if I'm gay or not. It's not always easy either. Once you do it the first time, it doesn’t necessarily become easier, especially depending on where you are. I feel much more comfortable coming out in Toronto than I do at home. So next time someone mentions their sexuality to you, recognize that that may not have been easy for them and may have been a big step for them personally. You also do not have to come out to everyone you meet. You can be incredibly proud of who you are and still choose not to tell someone, and that is perfectly okay.
If someone does choose to come out to you, please, please, please do not ask why they think this or "how they know if they have no experience." This is incredibly invalidating. You are essentially making them prove themselves to you, something they do not have to do. This is a very personal question and is not one you would ask a heterosexual. If someone asks you this when you come out, you do not have to justify or explain yourself. You are valid, no matter your prior experiences. If someone comes out to you, greet them with love and acceptance. Thank them for trusting you with such a personal part of their life and let them know how much you appreciate them. This information of theirs is not yours to share, though. If they want you to keep this to yourself, they will probably tell you, but if you're not sure, always ask. You don't want to out anyone.
Okay, this next point is so important it really gets me going. REPRESENTATION IN THE MEDIA. And just one more time in case you couldn't read that, REPRESENTATION IN THE MEDIA. As Tan France says, "you can't be what you can't see." Of course, you can be whoever and whatever you want even if you don't see anyone doing it, but let me tell you, it is SO much easier if you don't have to be the first. Seeing someone who not only identifies like you but looks like you, shows you that who you are is valid. When a show has a gay character, how often are they a white cis male, the female main characters' best friend and their only characteristic is that they're gay? Thinking of movies and tv shows with queer characters isn’t so easy (other than the obvious OITNB and The L Word but ugh Jenny). There is little representation of queer people, especially those of colour, where they are more than their sexual identity. We need representation of people of different abilities, ages, and backgrounds. Proper media representation is crucial for showing those who feel isolated, that they are not alone. This is another reason I will not keep to myself and will continue writing this blog. This space is for everyone, and I'm glad you're here.
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