Pride Month post, in December!

Remember that blog post I said I would write for Pride Month back in June? Yeah, you probably don't, but I didn't forget! I've been admittingly avoiding writing this one because I know answering "what it's like to be non-binary in a cis world" isn't going to be very fun. Thinking about writing this post has felt like work. My past posts have not felt like this, but I think all of this needs to be shared. So here we go, my pride month blog, just in time for the holidays.

What we’re talking about this time:

1) What does “preferred pronouns” really mean?

2) What is it like being non-binary in a cis world?

3) What is it like being a non-binary Jew?

Alright, let's go!

What does “preferred pronouns” really mean?

When people first started introducing themselves with their pronouns, the term "preferred pronouns" began being tossed around. By "first," I mean back when universities were "getting with it" and sending out emails about the importance of pronouns and putting pronouns in your email signature. This email was inevitably sent by someone who didn't have their pronouns in their signature (really?!).

I hear a lot of cis (cisgender – those whose gender remains aligned with their sex/gender assigned at birth. I say sex/gender not because these are the same, but because they are treated as the same when someone is born) people saying “my preferred pronouns are she/her.” They are correct that those are their pronouns, but they’re not their preferred pronouns. Those are their pronouns. Period.

So, what does “preferred” mean, and when should we use it? Preferred is used when someone uses more than one set of pronouns. For example, when I used they/them and she/her pronouns, my preferred pronouns were they/them because I preferred that people use they/them most often with only a sprinkling of she/her.

Now you might be thinking, “How do I know what people prefer?” Sometimes it’s pretty easy. Some people arrange their pronouns in order of preference. When I wanted people to use they/them more often, I changed what I would say and write from she/they to they/she. Sometimes that clues people in. However, you can’t always assume that this is what their order means to them.

So, as per usual, it's usually best to politely and respectfully ask. When someone introduces themselves as he/they, or any other combination of pronouns, you can say (as long as you do it nicely !!), "Thank you for sharing. Do you have a preference for one over the other? Would you like it if I used one set of pronouns more than the other?"

Only two people ever asked me that question when I used two sets of pronouns. It goes so far in helping those who use more than one set of pronouns feel safe. I really cannot emphasize how amazing a small act like this feels.

What is it like being non-binary in a cis world?

Honestly, my first gut reaction is, "it sucks!" buuuuuut it’s also really lovely finally being myself. Why does it suck? Well, if I want people to stop calling me "girl," "woman," "miss," "ma'am," "she," and "her," I have to tell the person I don’t want that. This may seem like no big deal, but I never know how someone might react. In my head, I'm always prepared for the worst. Do I know what I will really do if someone responds negatively? No. Probably freak out and start stress sweating, but beyond that, I do not know. Having to tell people not to femininize me is having to come out every time. This is so tiring. This constant cycle of: Is it worth it? Should I just let it go? No, I want to be respected and seen for who I am. But is now the time? Is there ever a right time? Yeah… it gets exhausting, and I know I'm not the only person who goes through this cycle.

One time someone said they didn't know my sister had a sister, and then it got weird, but not because of me. I told this person that I'm my sister's sibling, not sister, to which they replied, "yeah… well… well, you know…" and looked around the room for something to miraculously appear and save them. Sometimes I feel sassy and really want to say, "No, I don't know. Can you please tell me?"

If you are feeling confused after someone corrects you, you can ask! If being corrected in your use of gendered language causes you to feel awkward, I ask you to please, respectfully get over yourself and stop being so weird when you're corrected about gender! Respectfully. :)

Okay, so did that answer the question? I'm not sure. There’s so much more but people will only read so much in one post so that’s it for now. My main point is: it's tiring and annoying that being my true self and feeling good in my body and soul comes so frequently with these internal battles and watching others squirm and centre their awkwardness when I ensure that I am respected. I think I’ll bring this question back in my next post and add more. Is that what they call a hook? Did I just create a hook to bring back readers like a professional blogger?!

What is it like being a non-binary Jew?

I’m not trying to trauma dump, and I certainly don't have the energy to go in-depth on this one, but I want to touch on it. At first, I didn't plan on putting this in the blog, but I think it needs to be.

Being non-binary is not unique. Being Jewish is not unique. Being a non-binary Jew? Also not unique! But all too frequently, when I tell someone about these aspects of my identity, it's met with many prodding questions. It still shocks me when someone says they’ve never met someone who’s Jewish. I doubt this is true. I say this because I keep that part of my identity pretty deep inside and don’t make it public often. Is that because I’m ashamed of it? No, not anymore. Is it because I’m scared of negative reactions and immediate assumptions projected on me about Israel? Abso-freaking-lutely.

Because of these assumptions, it is WAY more difficult being Jewish in the queer community than queer in the Jewish community. I don't have any more to give on this topic. We have so much work to do and desperately need to stop underplaying and ignoring violent and increasingly dangerous white supremacy, antisemitism, homophobia, and transphobia. These all function together.

Whew, that was a lot.

Did it feel like a lot?

I know the world is filled with a lot of negativity. While I'm not trying to add to it by sharing all of this, I feel that non-binary Jewish voices are not being heard right now, and I needed to share this. I will end with what I am trying to do more of and hope others try to do the same.

I hope that we start listening more and reacting less.

We care more than we hate.

We help more than we tear down.

We take care of ourselves and listen to our needs.

Thank you for listening. Stay tuned for the next time where I cover: What is it like doing queer research/research centering gender minorities? Who knows?! Maybe it’ll be published in time for Pride 2023! But let’s not get carried away…