Yom Kippur starts tonight, the day of atonement for Jews. We reflect on the past year, apologize to those we did wrong, and aim to forgive others. I was going to make this post next week, but after being inspired by Jess Burke's Instagram post tonight (one of my favourite queer Jewish people - @jesseliburke), I'm doing it now. This will all tie back into the theme of forgiveness at the end, but I wanted to explain why I'm now writing this.
I am non-binary. Always have been, really. I’ve been out to friends for a while now, but I've been very hesitant about publicly doing it because I know certain people in my life will not like this. They won't understand no matter how much I explain, how many stories I tell, or how many stories of others I share. I'm really tired of letting that hold me back and not living my life how I want. I used to believe that I owed certain people a sit-down, formal, coming out, but I don't. No queer, trans or non-binary person owes you anything or any explanation.
How long have l been non-binary? Honestly, my whole life. I just never had the knowledge or language to describe how l was feeling. Gender dysphoria is what a lot of it was. It's what it's always been.
Gender dysphoria explains why I've never felt totally at home in my body. I think what comes with gender fluidity is also a day-to-day change in comfort in my body. Please keep in mind that these are my experiences and thoughts alone and may not be applicable or relatable to many other non-binary people. Now that I know what these feelings are, I can work on making myself feel more comfortable. I now dress a lot less feminine when I'm "dressing up," and it's amazing. It's amazing! Letting go of other people's expectations is incredibly difficult, but once I started letting go of those bit by bit, I started feeling freer and freer.
Now to the forgiveness. This year especially, I’ve been holding on to a lot of hurt, and I'm ready to let it go. To those who outed me, have been homophobic to me, and have misgendered me, I forgive you. I know that you will never apologize, but you are forgiven. I do not understand why you did these things, and I genuinely hope you work on these issues and aim to learn from and be compassionate to others, but I am letting go. This does not mean you are forgiven by other queer people and that you can continue to be like this, but this queer person forgives you.
To those I have made snap judgements about, assumed your gender, misgendered you, or hurt you because I was hurt, I deeply apologize. The circle of trauma will not continue with me.
This is only the beginning of this topic now. Now that I am free, we are just getting started. I have so much to say about gender and so many voices to amplify and bring to your attention; I cannot wait!! Because this whole thing has me incredibly anxious and scared right now, this post is pretty generic and broad, but I will get more in-depth later. Until then, I prefer they/them pronouns with the ~occasional~ she/her sprinkled in and do not like to be referred to in feminine ways (girl, queen, etc.). Thanks for reading, don't assume people's genders, use they/them pronouns until told otherwise, and have an amazing day! And if you're Jewish, G'mar Chatima Tova.
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