Here we are, folks, the moment you've all been waiting for. I know the suspense must have been killing you. It’s time for the grand finale, my coming out.
This post was difficult for me to write, as this was a very emotional time for me. Sharing it isn't easy, but this was when I needed someone to relate to most and didn't, so I hope someone can find comfort in this.
When I was first coming out as bi, I started distancing myself from those in my life who I knew wouldn't be accepting of this. I didn't see this as anything sad. You shouldn't have people in your life who merely accept or tolerate who you are but rather encourage and inspire you to be your best and most authentic self. I can say with a lot of confidence that all of my close friends right now make me want to be myself now more than ever and there’s not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for this because it took me a few years to get to this place.
I’m not one to keep things about myself to myself, clearly, so two days after I realized that I’m gay, I decided to tell my best friend at home. I was the most awkward person ever telling her because saying it out loud was still a big step for me. My coming out to her went something along the lines of, “sooooooo, I have something to tell you… ummmm yaaaaa ummm I’m gaaaaay…”. I felt neither relieved nor upset after I told her, which surprised me. I expected some magical feeling of relief to come over me, and things would be so great. What I didn't expect was what happened next. I started feeling really empty and alone. I realized I knew no one personally who was in my situation or anyone my age who had gone through what I was going through. That night I felt more confused than ever.
The next morning, I came out to my sister and then my close friends and family, but I still hadn't told my parents. Everyone I told met me with nothing but encouragement and love, which is something I appreciate the most. I knew that no one would greet me with anything but acceptance, which I know is not the case for everyone. Many people who already knew I was bi said, "wait, I thought I already knew this," well, you did, just only half of the truth.
Telling my parents was something that gave me a lot of anxiety. I waited two more days after telling my friends to tell them because I wasn’t ready yet, and you know once you tell your mom something, it’s official. The days leading up, I could barely talk to them. I was so anxious and scared, even though I was pretty sure they were going to be accepting. The night I decided to tell them I remember texting my cousin saying, "I'm so anxious I'm going to throw up. But, I just ate a candy cane blizzard, so, if I do, at least it’ll be festive” (it was one week before Christmas). It was a regular night. We were watching tv together and again, I was super awkward: "so I have something to tell you, and I don't really know how to tell you, so I'm just going to say it. I’m gay." *cue the waterworks*. I instantly started crying because everything that I had been keeping to myself for years was finally being let out. My parents were half shocked, and then things went back to normal. That night I finally got the sense of relief that I’d been expecting. I didn’t know how much this had been weighing on me until it was lifted. For the first time in a long time, I felt that I wasn't hiding any part of me and was free to live how I wanted and that anything was possible for myself. Everyone who matters most to me now knew who I truly am, and I was being seen for me for the first time in years.
On another note, I don't love that "coming out" is a thing. It shouldn't be a big deal. You don't have to come out as straight, and you shouldn't have to come out as anything else. Nothing should be assumed. Everyone should be free to be who they are and not have to continually label themselves for other’s convenience and understanding if they don’t want to. During the first year I was out as bi, I hated having a label on it. It was just how I felt, and I didn't see the point in having to label myself for other's understanding of me.
I think the hardest part about coming out was that everyone seemed shocked. This was difficult because something that had been going on in my head for years, and something that I thought wasn’t so invisible, no one had noticed. Only one person said they had known I was gay since the moment they met me four years ago and had been waiting for me to come out ever since. I think if people had paid more attention to what I had been saying for the past few years, this wouldn't have been such a shock.
Whenever I tell people that I’m gay, they ALWAYS say, “really?! I had no idea!" and do a full-body scan of me as if they're looking for some sort of gay sign they missed upon first glance, and when they come up with nothing, say again, "yeah, I had no idea.". Someone was saying to me how great their gaydar is and how they can totally tell when someone's gay. When I told her that I was, she said, “really?! Wow! Hm… I guess I only know if someone’s gay if they really look gay, you know?". Well, apparently, I don't look Jewish either, so I don't know what y’all want from me.
This brings up two big things for me. “Looking gay” and being a gay Jew. Some people have asked me how the Jewish religion views those in the LGBTQ+ community. Well, like all groups, some are more accepting than others. Birthright now has an LGBTQ trip, which includes walking in the Tel Aviv pride parade. This parade happens to be one of the biggest pride parades in the world, drawing in over 200,000 people. The Hillel on campus also has many LGBTQ events, so there is definitely support and activities for Jewish youth and young adults. I think it might depend on which denomination of Judaism you are a part of. Still, I have orthodox friends who are accepting, so it really depends on the person, and I think it is unfair to make blanket statements based on one's faith. It has always been a joke in my family that I'm to marry a Jewish doctor, but they never said it had to be a male doctor, so maybe that will still happen.
When I came out as bi, someone told me not to start dressing like a boy. This really took me aback. I wasn't going to become someone new suddenly. I was just being more of myself than ever. There's no one way to look, no matter what your sexuality is. And your look doesn’t have to stay the same either. People dress for how they feel and for what they think best represents who they are, and I find a lot of beauty in that. I don't have one look because how I feel about myself changes so frequently. You've seen it when I had purple hair. And then pink, and then more purple… I killed that look, and now I'm on to more blonde. Things change, and how you look does too. One's sexuality shouldn't have to be tied to that if they don't want it to be.
Something that surprised me from all of this was that now I don't like it when people don't know that I'm gay. Most people's natural response is to assume everyone is hetero. I feel like "living a lie" is a bit dramatic, but it doesn't feel right if I know someone is thinking the wrong thing about me. It's like when people assume that just because I've moved to Toronto that I'm automatically a Leafs’ fan now. False. I will not forsake my Canucks. Also, they’re first in the pacific division right now. How is no one talking about this?! I digress.
Well, I think that's all, folks. Thank you very much for reading all of my posts. My only hope is that you come out of this with a better understanding. An understanding that not everyone's journey or story is the same. An understanding that not everyone knows right away. That not everyone looks how you'd expect. That we all express ourselves in different ways. An understanding that it's okay to not agree with someone's lifestyle, but you shouldn't meet them with negativity. Let them live their own life in whatever way makes them happy. I mean, happiness is all we all want anyway, right?
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