Unlike the last three posts, this will have nothing to do with my gayness, although I know you all loved that. With things being so uncertain lately, I felt like it might be helpful to share some thoughts I’d been having lately so you could see that you aren't the only one feeling the way you do. I've been having a hard time since I got home, and I’ve heard from a lot of people that they are having some of the same struggles. I don't think everyone realizes we are all feeling the same way right now, and I hope this helps you see that.
I had to leave school very quickly. We usually book my flight a month to a month and a half in advance, so I am well prepared to leave. It's always sad saying goodbye to my friends, but at least we all know it’s coming. This time I had 27 hours' notice. Within a day, all of my plans had changed.
For the first time in my years at York, I was planning on staying in Ontario for the summer. I had stressed over interviews and applications all of February and March. I had a placement lined up, was waiting to hear back from another team, was actively looking for a second job to work on the side, and was looking into a place to live for the summer. All of this changed within four days. All sports were being cancelled the week before I left. So, this wasn't a complete shock when I received the cancellation emails and began to see my plans slipping away.
The two weeks before leaving Toronto, I was constantly worried that I was going to get stuck at school, far away from my family. While I knew I was safe where I was, it was difficult being so far from family during all of this. A few days before I left, I began to become very worried that things would change and I wouldn't be able to get home. Last Monday, I knew that I needed to come home and started calling storage facilities to try to store my house items. After calling six different places, I finally found one that answered and wasn't sold out from all of the other students with the same idea. By 3 o'clock, my flight was booked for 6 pm the next night, and I was packing to leave. I didn't think I would be leaving so soon as I had just gone grocery shopping two days before… My friends now have a fully stocked fridge.
It would not have been possible for me to leave so quickly without the help of my friends, and I really can't thank them enough. Since everything happened so fast, I was only able to say goodbye to two of them. This was one of the hardest parts as I most likely won't see them again for five months, after expecting to spend my entire summer with them. At the gate to board my plane, I received an email saying that all residents had to move out of dorms within the next two days. This both reassured me that I was doing the right thing and acting at the right time, but also enforced how quickly everything was happening.
During my first four days at home, I was still in shock. I felt as though I had been ripped from my normal life and put into a new one. One where I am now quarantined because of the travel and restricted to certain rooms in the house that other family members can no longer enter. Being the one that everyone has to avoid gets to you. We make jokes about it, but it's not easy. I find that I wake up every morning in a different mood, and there's no way of predicting what it will be. They’re not always positive, and when this happens, I have a hard time changing it. The days where I feel good, I do what I can to try to prolong it.
I know a lot of people are struggling with not knowing when this will be over. What I remind myself is that while we don't have a finish line in sight, we will be going through this together the entire time. This is not something that only you are going through. We all are. If you feel like you are the only one having a tougher time than usual, you aren't. But you have to remember that some days are and will be easier than others.
Another thing I've been having a hard time with is school. I'm finding it harder than ever to focus and absorb what is being taught. Normally, I would work out when I'm having a hard time focusing, but I can only exercise so much in one day. I'm also used to walking over ten minutes to get to class, a time I use to clear my mind. I am now limited to two rooms in the house. My walk is five steps. It's not a small adjustment, and it's not an easy one. I try to get outside when I can and get some fresh air, and I hope you are all doing the same. I know it's still cold in Ontario and not 14 degrees like it is here (sorry to brag), but a short walk will help.
Some people have said they're not motivated to exercise or workout like normal, and that's okay. I feel the same way. Now's the time to pay attention to what your body is saying and move when you feel it is right. Lots of people are saying they're going to come out of this quarantine in the best shape ever, or they're worried they're going to gain weight while they're stuck at home. Both are fine. You do what you need to do to get through this. Do what is healthy for you and your mental and physical health. You will not feel the same every day, and that is perfectly normal, but you have to accommodate for that. It's also essential to stay in contact with friends now. Check-in with each other and let others know if you're struggling. We are all in this together and need to help each other when possible. Take care of yourself and be kind to others.
All of this has reminded me how amazing my friends are and how they are there for me when I need them most. I would not have been able to get through the past two weeks without them (and not just because my boxes were really heavy). I am also grateful that I always have a place to go when things are uncertain. While it is not what I had planned, I am thankful for always having a home to which I can return. I think it's easy to forget about everything we have to be grateful for when everything seems to suck. Having friends and loved ones to miss is a privilege, and I don't take that for granted.
This post was not to make you feel bad for me, but rather for you to find aspects you can hopefully relate to and know that you are not alone. Check-in with each other, and if you're still reading this, reach out! Say hi! It's not like we're going to see each other awkwardly in public anytime soon… Too soon for jokes? Let me know what you’re doing to stay entertained and sane or anything you’ve discovered that’s been working well for you. Drink water, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and hang in there. This won’t last forever.
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